Dear Baby

Dear baby,

I’m so sorry. It’s all I can say to you as I stare down at your perfect face. Your little hands are clenched into tiny tight fists as you wiggle and gurgle and coo, but you don’t know why I’m crying instead of smiling back. I’m sorry that your daddy isn’t here to smile at you either. I’m sorry that I feel like it’s my fault.

Most of all, I’m sorry that you’re getting the short end of the stick, and I’m sorry you won’t understand why.

You don’t understand why all of a sudden daddy isn’t here anymore or why there’s only one warm body in the bed snuggling with you through the night. You won’t understand what mommy and daddy are saying when we tell you and your sisters that we’re separating, why everyone is crying today, or why the house is suddenly so still and quiet.

My precious innocent little baby, I’m so sorry that I’ve failed you, that I can’t fix this, and that I’m tired of trying to. I’m sorry that I don’t have more strength.

I’m sorry that your family is broken, and you may never know what it feels like for it to be whole.

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